What to Say (and What Not to Say) to Someone Who Has Lost a Pet
This is a tricky one. Because there are no words that help with the hurt that comes along with loss, there is no magic cure all. The best I can do is tell you, from experience, what people said to me and Megan that felt caring and comforting versus what didn’t. Do note, since everyone’s grief journey is so unique, these phrases might resonate in a different way for every person.
What to Say
“I can’t imagine how you are feeling, and realize there is nothing I can say that will help. But I am here for when you need me, and gone when you need space.” Just knowing someone sees you for where you are is so important. This wording puts zero pressure on the person grieving to try and perform or entertain. It takes pressure off at a time when they really don’t know what they might want or need.
“Tell me about (name of pet).” A common mistake people make around grief is to avoid mentioning the loved one that died. This comes from a good place as people believe talking about the loved one will be painful. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Most often, the only thing consuming the mind of a grieving person is the loved one, and talking/sharing about them is all they might want to do. It also helps them feel connected when the loss is so new.
“How are you feeling, right now?” I found the phrasing here much more comforting than the normal, “how are you doing?” It’s much more specific to the moment, which is easier for a grieving person to process and feels much more genuine. It also makes a person feel like the one asking really cares. The key is to be present in actually hearing the response. No answers and fixes are needed.
What Not to Say
“Are you going to get another (type of pet)?” This is a big no-no but happens all the time. The reason this stings so much is because it diminishes the pet that just passed, and pets in general. It presents them as a commodity instead of a living being that the grieving person loved and shared an emotional bond. We would never ask a parent in the midst of grieving the loss of a child if they are going to have/adopt another child. Nor should we with animal family members.
“I lost a pet too.” This is a rather confusing one because the intent is good. People want present a shared connection to try and make the one grieving feel as though they are not alone. However, the reason this is troublesome right after a death is because it brushes over the current loss and unintentionally puts pressure on the grieving person to morph into the role of consoler. If the one grieving brings up your loss and wants to hear more about your experience, then it’s free game. Otherwise, wait for a later time.
Lastly, there is no phrasing to this one but simply put, don’t ignore the loss. Grief can be so isolating, lonely, dark, depressing and overwhelming. A grieving person having to suppress all those feelings only magnifies them.
