Healing from Pet Loss
Let me first say, there is no magic bullet here. Losing your soul animal or any pet you have an attachment to is painful. It’s going to hurt and stick with you for a long time, if not for life. You hurt so much because you loved so much.
However, you can get in a more healthy place in dealing with the grief of pet loss. Below are some things that helped me get to a more solid footing. Some are actions items, others are shifts in frame of mind and thoughts about the grief. Hopefully one or more of these also help provide comfort to you.
Action Items
Journal. This is probably the one thing that helped me the most in getting on a better footing with my grief. Taking time to dig into my thoughts and put them on paper helped me make better sense of my feelings. And ridding my feelings and pain of their ambiguity did (and does continue to) provide relief. But let’s be real, this is very emotionally draining more often than not. Every so often it’s insightful and hopeful. If you choose to go this route, remember there are no rules. Your journaling experience should align with your personality, schedule and needs. Because I am a bit OCD, I tried to journal anytime a thought, memory or deep feeling presented itself. Most everything on this site is pulled from that journal.
Take time to sit with your feelings. This one is not easy. I couldn’t sleep or even sit still for quite a few days after Harold passed. But I was able to walk with no earbuds from time to time. Just me and my brain (which is scary even on a normal day). But honestly, this was when some of my best grief work was done. I would think about my feelings, Harold’s feelings, those last moments with him and the lifetime of memories. My brain always initially wanted to dwell in the pain. But once I allowed space and time for that pain, it somehow would lose its hold after a while. In those moments I would be able to think about all the good times and remember how he lived such a long life of pure happiness. Remembering what a terrific life he had always brings me to a better place. But early on, it felt like I always had to sit through some rather uncomfortable agony before I got there.
Talk to friends or family who have been through a similar experience. If you are fortunate to have some pet loving friends or family in your life, please reach out to them when going through a pet loss. They’re much more likely to understand and actually want to listen and share. Don’t expect to feel better, but an open ear can still do some good work for your soul. Being able to talk about your feelings is a lot like journaling. Just putting those thoughts, memories, and feelings out into the world can help take away their ambiguity and grip on your peace of mind.
Join a pet loss group. Pet loss can be so isolating for many reasons. Our society does not property appreciate and recognize pet grief (or grief in general) which magnifies this loneliness. You know what I mean if you’re ready to punch the next person who asks “when are you getting another pet?” Therefore, it’s extremely helpful to be around people who better understand your situation, especially during those very dark early days. The empathy and compassion in these groups are real. I personally found the Pet Loss Community to be helpful.
Honor your pet. And do this in your own way. Your bond is unique, so the way you honor that pet should be unique to you. There are tons of ways to do this and none are right or wrong. Find what brings you most comfort and love. For example, here are some ways others have honored their pets: getting tattoos, road trips to places where those strong bonds were formed, painting pictures of memories, having jewelry made from the ashes, spreading ashes in favorite spots, setting a recurring time/date to share stories and memories, having a stuffed pillow or painting/mural made, donating money to charities in honor of their pet, etc. etc. etc. There are no rules here because there are no rules in grief. Personally, we decided to put up a ton of photos around the house of Harold. His presence is still so strong it made us feel comforted in also seeing him around us. I also put this website together so I would have a place to come back to and remember him.
Perspective Shifts
Grief is an extension of love, and only happens because of love. It’s important to remember that the only reason you hurt is because you truly loved. As hard as it is to appreciate when you’re in pain, that love is a gift and is so special. It still is even though it’s now mixed together with the messiness of grief.
The bond with your loved one or pet does not end with death. This is actually a real thing and is called Continuing Bonds. Grief is not something you go through, but rather something that becomes a part of you because you’ll forever stay connected to those you love. It’s OK (and normal) to continue to communicate with your pet or person and evolve that relationship over time, because they are still with you. In fact, it’s flat out denial to try and ignore that continued relationship.
Losing a pet is a traumatic experience. For real. The loss of a loved one can cause serious medical responses of trauma. So take it easy on yourself if feeling overwhelming stress, depression, anger, denial, etc. You’ve just been through something life altering. Give yourself the respect and space that you deserve.
Your pet doesn’t want you to be in pain. Out pets are so amazing. They are known to hide their pain towards the end of their lives in an effort to alleviate you from hurt. They just want us to be happy. I felt (and still feel) a lot of guilt about making that decision to take Harold’s pain away. But I truly know he would not want me carrying that guilt. Knowing that helps a bit and also reminds me that he is still looking out for me today.
Taking away our pets’ suffering is the most loving and selfless departing gift we can give them. It was so painful to watch Harold suffer during his last couple of days. Although I knew what decision needed to be made, it felt impossible to make it (all I wanted to do was forever hold him and tell him I love him). When Harold’s lungs finally stopped laboring and he was at peace, I knew we made the right decision, even if his physical pain now shifted to us emotionally. But if this is the tradeoff to prevent Harold from suffering, we would take the pain over and over again. Pet care is based on quality of life as opposed to human care which is rooted in quantity of life. As hard as is it, it really is a blessing we have the option to relieve our pets of their suffering to take it on ourselves.
